As I sat there a while consuming my late dinner I picked up at Chicken Express I noticed something profound about my situation...
I was alone
It then occurred to me why I never rest. A friend once told me, don't you ever just sit and do nothing? Well no of course not why would I want to do that? There is much to much to do, or see, or learn, or organize to rest. But honestly...what is the REAL reason?
Only when I am utterly alone in a big clean house do I notice just how insecure I feel when I am alone. I would much rather spend my time bothering others on the social networking sites than realize that I really AM alone. I have realized what social networking sites have done for me. Allowed me to feed my insecurity. I accuse everyone else of theirs, only to see the one of mine which is out in the open for all to see.
Seeing my main weakness in this light I recognize it's influence and power over so many parts of my young life. It's kept me in complacent situations, long relationships, and hidden behind a computer. It keeps the focus off of myself and my soul.
Plus, I realized something else. I truly feel things that I tend to ignore in conversing with others. Where is my healthy amount of mediation time and self-reflectance? In this small moment when I realized I was alone I felt a deep longing. A longing I see has never been satisfied due to this fear possessing me. A longing to be Romanced.
To be romanced is not merely to be loved...it is to be pursued. It is a secret guilty pleasure my fears of solitude have kept me from experiencing. All too often would I rather scour the internet for available playmates than to wait for them--and with that a special one--to become so desperate for my attention they will do anything they can to contact me? I long for this attention. Is it that chivalry or courting is dead or that women such as myself are too impatient for that special attention? I can only blame myself, as I can only control MYself.
So then I relate this situation to my beloved Yin-yang. My balance and explanation of peace. My cosmic dancing is brought down to the earth. I realize, the balance of solitude and deep companionship has been distorted. The peace can only be restored with a little suffering on my part so as to allow karma and positive energies to return to me. If one is truly loved it will come back after you let it go. So the same with my will. In order to experience more of life, I am to let it go to swing farther on the opposite end of the pendulum.
My yin-yang will be restored. My longings only grow as my patience grows with suffering. Soon, hopefully sooner than I think, my deepest desires will be fulfilled or dissipated. My longings to speak with those I hold dear to me will no longer command my impulses but my care.
I am the cosmic dancer falling from the clouds back to earth. This is the life I live and walk. Nameste
