Mistake. Big mistake being so friendly and easy to get along with. I forget that the purpose of networking is not to have friends but useful links.
It's not that I'm not naturally pro-active. Who is? It's a method of survival, and being likeable is just a natural gift to be remembered. I have personality for a reason, not to be an attention whore. Or any sort of monger.
But I learn from my mistakes and misuses of time. I need to remember to hang around the doctors when at all possible and to remain hard at work or look for things to learn about.
I'm sure I seem very aimless. Last night definitely proved that to me with what little was available to do at the ER. A despicable aura must weigh on my presence. I'd hate to have that sort of a reputation. This is something I have control over, and this is something to work on. This lack of focus is not something that will just disappear. Focus does not come to those who wait, she comes to those who seek her.
All in all yesterday at the ER was fail and I'm going to have to go back sometime soon this week, hopefully Friday morning, or so to regain my dignity.
Last night I had a hard time going to bed. Captain Morgan was the only one who succeeded in lulling me to sleep. I lost myself chastizing myself for my mistake last night, my lack of focus, general depression feeling lost in a world that is moving past me--like endless waves that keep passing me before I can ride them. How many more must I watch with my hands and legs bound frozen under me?
My romantic idealism is nothing to be proud of. This is a symptom I must rid myself of quickly if I am to survive sanity. I constantly doubt myself in every aspect. I don't feel I am a hard worker (I think i said this before). But I know that I am! What else am I to expect out of life if I don't work hard to make my living for my future? I am obviously not getting along well with all my free time to myself. There is no inspiration. I am not at all as creative as I thought I was. Remove the stressor and the joy found in the outlets of freedom disappears. I doubt whether becoming a doctor is the life I want for a family I may come to want. The troubles of a modern woman. However, I do know I'd go mad as a stay at home mother. This is not something for me.
Life is more than who we are. That ceases to amaze me. It comforts me knowing anything and everything around me can be beautiful and worth my time. Joyfulness uncovered beyond the bends leading to peace.
I doubt myself because I do not feel proficient in anything but solving the puzzles that are chemistry and biochemistry. I have a love of learning anything and everything. Is that not enough to last through Medical/Osteopathic school? I think so. My joy is in learning and becoming proficient is something amazing amongst talented and genius souls. I can't see what's beyond the winter time I am in right now, but it's only inevitable that the spring is on its way. In the form of purpose, not love with or for another.
