Lately I've been going through a rough time, when it finally dawned on me. Life is not absent of the tough times, and the easier cheery times are not such intrinsically. It's all about your outlook and your ability to take mountains for mountains and molehills for molehills. It's less about strength and more about calm and focus. I question myself of late, and so have delt my self confidence a heavy blow.
Confidence I've read, in it's Latin root, means "with trust" and so I can say I have lost trust in myself. The idea was posed that we lack this self confidence when there was an advantage to someone else to make us feel this way. I see clearly as to how my childhood has raised me to be this way. Taking several steps backwards to discover myself as I live on my own and stand on my own two feet I see just how shaky I've been raised to be. Crippled to remain so close to home and maimed with blurred vision to keep my dreams from me. I even wonder if I know what my dreams mean, but that's just it. Trust myself. That I'm taking positive steps and will always be on a journey of self discovery no matter where I am.
World travel. It sounds wonderful but is it a goal of my life? If it was truly a goal wouldn't I have worked that into my career plan? Is it really something I want since I covet it so much or is it just my displeasure with the way things are here. It may be another dream I need to fulfill. Which will be outweighed? This is something I need soon: to travel the world or a small portion I wish to see. I can immediately see not getting into school next year as a huge blessing. This means I can have a chance to see the world before long and again be encouraged. Pave the way for myself. Maybe that's the best idea.
More dreams, dreams of rainy days in Seattle or flowers in crisp summer weather in the midwest. I will go places and not be afraid to step outside. I will have a dynamic and adventerous life. Let no one take that away from me. These are my dreams to have for as long as I want them to be my own.
And in light of my recent love affair, why can't I connect the dots with that one. Somehow it's connected to confidence. Maybe I felt I could trust myself only if I could corner myself with him? Maybe I needed more of a go getter? I don't know, but I lost myself somehow.
More later...
musing
