I was never really good at listening to my own heart. This doesn't compute considering no matter where I am I cease to be happy. My mind is not busied enough to feel useful; it is caving in under it's own massive uselessness. In attempting to find myself in a latent limbo I have realized how much of myself I have lost. With each passing day I feel parts of me atrophying and dying. My flow has left me and so I become frozen. I have no friends or peers to bounce ideas, have fun, relax. I have no reason left to relax as I have no reason to work. The things I used to do to relax and fill my time cease to please me anymore as they have lost their meaning.
Whether I am meant to pursue a career in health-care I still don't know. What I do know is that having too much time to think is affecting my ability to process information at the top of my game. I struggle with identifying what it is I want and what it is I need. I used to think what I needed and wanted was to move out of this house immediately. But now perhaps the best thing is that I need to occupy my time immediately.
I remember way back I took a personality test dubbing me a Woo, Includer, and Communicator amongst many other things. This made me believe I would make a good teacher, an occupation I now despise. Perhaps I could be a teacher someday, but I believe I am destined for more. I enjoy the days when my mind could move at such a fast pace normal syntax could not contain my thoughts. Perhaps I was always meant for school; being a know-it and good at what I do is my goal.
I'd hate to say I'm not mature enough for this. What is breaking me down is being immature, not having a real goal in life, no work, nothing to busy my mind. If I can identify key reasons why I want to be a health-care provider I can settle on deciding to work as a scribe. Being a scribe can prove a lot to schools. It can teach me a lot about being a health-care provider. It is irrelevant if I want to do it. I prove myself able to and I go for it. To me a health-care provider has no one personality fits all. They are of any personality and only all present themselves professionally. They come from all walks of life. There's no doubt in my mind I can do it. I can't even imagine what lies before me if I do decide to take the plunge. I will be learning all about what we know of ourselves. A very philosophical sort of pursuit. I love identifying problems and solving them methodically. This is far simpler than designing something from thin air as research is to me. In school I have opportunities to dabble in a little bit of everything and find my niche. I love a job where I attend to the needs of people. Service for the most basic of needs: fellowship, entertainment, and health. These three things I believe no one should be without.
What makes me think I can make it in medical school? I have a passion for learning though I may not have a quick wit as I used to. I am an expert and learning and retaining that which I can use and will use. I want to know so much, but more importantly than that is the ability to become good at what you do. As I said earlier I like to know it all and know it well, be around people, serve, occupy my mind, achieve high goals of learning.
I've learned many things about myself this semester and summer. I've learned it's not that I'm not a hard worker, it's that I cannot discipline myself aside from work. I'd not make it as a musician for I don't have that kind of discipline. I must build off of what I know and not off of what I don't know. Though I may have interests in Yoga, Religions, Philosophy, Dance, Music, Voice, and Languages, building off these things will not give me a sense of accomplishment. My interests still lie in the purest of desires: how to maintain health in the best ways possible. My little interests lose their fire when I have actual time to get to them all. It's just not fun anymore. My balance I've known for myself for so long has been distorted. I've always wanted to be learning.
Commitment is not the absence of doubt but continuing despite doubt. I doubt myself that I can do it. I doubt that I will retain my sanity. I doubt that I have enough interest or initiative besides a silly little will to learn. I've lost myself along the way of what I thought was all I ever wanted. The ability to satisfy my every whim (if I had enough money). Of course it is the balance that keeps my energy going--it is why my Ch'i is lost.
Intimidation. I feel intimidated because everyone I know has already done so much toward becoming a doctor that I feel unworthy of the task. Suppose what I need to realize is that those are the few, not the many. I just happen to know the lot of people that do very much toward becoming a doctor. That doesn't mean that I can't shape my own destiny that is very different from theirs. We come from all walks of life with an equal opportunity to become someone great. To learn a way of life. And this is how I find myself. Not by fearing or believing what everyone tells me. By carrying on despite the doubts from others' and myself. Breathing, fluidity, this could be my path in life. I can't help but smile and choke up. I need to grow up and be professional about many things. My fear of being unprofessional now shan't keep me from knowing I will learn eventually.
Which brings me to recounting what I've learned or seen at volunteering. I've made more friends among the nurses and they have let me watch how they do things. I met a woman who has sickle cell anemia and therefore a port with which to sustain her life. We drew blood from her that way in a most sterile procedure. Before I also met a woman who worked hard her whole life only to watch her husband beat her month old child. Volunteering really takes one back to a grassroots level. They are all people worthy of your aid however you can give it. Working part of the night shift I saw Dr. McCarthy and followed him around for some rounds. He started medical school when he was 28 and had his first child at 30. He cited he felt immature and not ready for medical school out of college so he worked. Though the time is stressful he said it's unlike college because you are studying what you are interested in and focused. The very little stress relief time he had he'd do little but walk the dog. Next I'll have to ask him why he wanted to become a doctor. I realize that although I may not want a stressful environment as the ER to work in permanently, I can work elsewhere as a Doctor. Normal hours are nice and so might seeing the same patients on a regular basis.
Yes all this vacillation and what is that I fear? My interests and thirsts for learning, critical thinking, and friendliness are uncontrollable and lose their strength when spread out amongst so many things. An opportunity I can make for myself is pursuing the greatest occupation I can think of. I just need to learn to ask more questions. It shows interest, not annoyance. Be able to think with them and analyze how they come to a conclusion. It's not just ordering random tests and gawking at them. I can do this too, what is the methodology. Not quite as intimidating once I realize this. Why not is a good question.
Why not is what will drive me. There needs to be a direction and for that there needs to be tenacity to survive, to experience, to leave footprints.
No comments:
Post a Comment