Pursuit of happiness

There's an anathema after me. It's come to a point I only remember once every year. I've been either hiding or running away and I'm hanging on a cliff all daggers out come to make me pay for my choices. My choices are my own, and they are what have put me in this awful position. A position where I am everyone's enemy. I can consider the situation from all sides. I can say why am I so bull headed with family and not with anyone else. Why do I take offense with my stupid teenage sister when I can't say if I was any different at her age. In truth I probably wasn't. I know many times I'd keep her out of my life not treating her with compassion. I was so stressed I wouldn't care to entertain a stupid middle school child. I remember my mother used to encourage this by comforting Sonia and telling her Ali is being mean and it's okay don't worry about her Mommy's here. And so I began the vicious cycle that has now come to bite me. My relatives do their best to haunt me while they are still alive, about their God who helps them through everything, "they turn to God" and put their trust in him. I know better. You do you're best with what you have and where you are. The world turns because of the motions set in place and the choices of the people living on earth. These choices affect our own and thus we call it fate...God...Allah...karma. Humans out of their own insecurities feel an innate need to judge others' decisions. And so we hinder each others' free will and understanding. We do not 'get what we deserve'. It's just human nature to want to get even. There is cause and effect and choices. Whether they are right or wrong is up for opinion. The truth is what keeps our world going is cause and effect.
The cause was my own hatred and stupidity when I was a teenager. And now I am seeing the effects of that. If you sow a seed into the ground, you will reap the benefits. Or in this case, detriment. I don't believe a God smiting humans and all creation. I don't see us paying for consequences. It is simply a cause and an effect.
I can spend a week under a tree meditating on what went wrong with the cause or I can choose to move forward and live.
I obviously cannot learn to get along with my family. I have developed my own way of thinking but cannot quite come to terms with living in a judgemental environment with people whom I've been told are to provide you with love and warmth. I always made the mistake of telling my parents my plans. I've made the mistake of trusting them with my relationships. I've made the mistake of misunderstanding their convoluted versions of generosity. I've learned a lot.
I've learned to take gifts even when you don't want them. I've learned that anything you say will never be taken the way you mean. I learned to step back from attempting to raise my own bratty sister.
What I didn't learn was to keep family problems to themselves. I've never once been truly happy since living at home. All my happiest times no matter how disgusting were outside the home. In some eyes I've sinned and disrespected. But merely cause and effect has played out. A cause I knew better than to set into motion and have now become more miserable because of it. I would call that a bad choice.
And so, I am sorry to myself for that. I am sorry I have a will and mind of my own. I am sorry I still cannot tolerate only critical and negative comments from my parents especially my mother. I'm sorry I have learned to be almost as cold and heartless as my younger blood relative. I am sorry I try to be everything you want me to be. I am sorry we don't get along. I am sorry I stayed out of mercenary means. I am sorry I was so foolish to think we could actually live in peace.

So now I hope we can accept what we've needed to all along. I'm sorry Daddy that you're hope of a real family is probably never going to happen, but I love you dearly for being so strong to put up with what I cannot. I am sorry you cannot know who I really am, but I must protect myself and pursue the right this wonderful country has given me, the pursuit of happiness whether I may find it or not.

I love you