Living the Bucket List

I feel like I was a bird flying high dropping tears like rain over the earth. I witnessed sad tale above sad tale of women abused, the religious forming dischord, and the diverse peoples of the world fighting over money. As a child the news was never my primary choice scene to marvel. However now I have realized I have changed. I have changed and my life has changed. My environment changes and I am forced to change with it at speeds I am not comfortable. I break in the strong winds of change and learn that if desired I can lessen the impacts of the winds of change or exacerbate the situation. It's a learning process by which failure is the vehicle.
Soaring over the world taking a sample via CNN I see the pain others in worse positions go through to acheive their living. While I am fully equipped with a living, I still manage to put myself in a hell of suffering on par with those who truly suffer. I constantly beat myself emotionally falling short to realize the true beauties of my existence and environment. These abused women finding work have nothing and do not know any better. Children sold into slavery do not know any better and suffer so much more than I have, yet they know who they are. Even they have vision, so why not me?
Vision is something I struggle with. A healthy non-idealistic sense of vision is a trait I wish to have and learn to cultivate. I've wasted away enough of my life trying to jump out of my skin and into others. It's time to wrap myself tight and see where I end up.
I may not be like the people on the news--those on the Next Line. But I am an individual with individual dreams and will power. Will power is something I am discovering. Innovators inspire me because despite the odds against them they still plow on and maintain that determination and vision creating something beautiful. They realize their potential and take the risks to make it possible. Maintain the course in the midst of uncertainty. I admire that in others and hope someday very soon to see this play in my life as well.
What I'm getting at is seizing opportunity. Living an enriched life. Feeling spiritual again and therefore knowing myself.
Be the shark. Keep moving or you'll die. And yes, you will die from the inside out and be left wondering what happened to the world, but really it's all you. Live today like your last day. Live to be inspired. Live. Laugh. and Love

Dreams...

Why is it the only thing that gets me excited is thinking about ways I can get out of the country? I wonder who I know in other parts of the world, where I can go and just exist. What value do I think that will have? Don't I know I'll be neglecting everything I have here? A place to live, computers, books, clothes, friends and family nearby, hygeine, source of income? Why do I think making my life so difficult would be worth it when I can't even get by as I am now?
Perhaps the desire comes from wanting the extraordinary and keeping myself from connecting the dots. The extraordinary requires what I think would be an extermination of fear. The extraordinary would be the experience of a lifetime. The extraordinary takes a lot of money.
I think of small scale extraordinary adventures and I can see how I can do this. I vaguely have an idea of places I could go. Maybe India, most likely Argentina, perhaps California. if i split them evenly across the year it would mean 4 months in each place. It's nice to dream.
Money is a bit of a necessity haha.

And this is where the cosmic dancer comes back to earth. I have a lot to be thankful for here. Many opportunities and comforts, still a variety of cultures if I just look. I look everywhere but my own hands instead of tending to my own grass to make it greener. It's so much easier to wish for something you don't have. But alas, it's to work, build, acheive, and dream. Setting acheivable goals. That one up there is not acheivable. But what is acheivable is a smaller adventure. And I pretty much just recently got back from a trip to California that a salesman reminded me of. I'm clearly not happy with myself. I just want to reach this point where I'm not running anywhere. Where I have a bit of a steadier more settled mentality about myself. At times yes I dream and dream big. I think of the small group of people I know and point to them wanting to try them on. But I'm not like everyone else. I never will be. I'm not sure if that will click in my head anytime soon.

I haven't realized until today where my actual unhappiness comes from. It comes from big ideas implanted in me and ideals influencing me from home. Ideas I adopt because I am told, but have neglected to challenge them for a while. I also can't seem to understand that an acheivable goal means setting standards in place to reach them. I will always fall short without the proper discipline. I am very naive and idealistic about things which keep me from experiencing for what they are. Make the most of life and each moment we are given. I am so pissed with myself for letting anxiety take over my life for 2 months. It was a waste of my life and I'll never get those moments back. Moments when I could have experienced full range of my emotions I know I am capable of won't come back. So everyday I need to consciously remind myself to live each moment to the fullest since it doesn't come naturally for me yet. It's why my zest has left me. It's why my passions have faded. It's why I see myself as less than others because I know I am less than myself.

If I knew I couldn't get a moment back, what would I do?

Discipline is the key. Maybe military service would be good for me...