Dreams...

Why is it the only thing that gets me excited is thinking about ways I can get out of the country? I wonder who I know in other parts of the world, where I can go and just exist. What value do I think that will have? Don't I know I'll be neglecting everything I have here? A place to live, computers, books, clothes, friends and family nearby, hygeine, source of income? Why do I think making my life so difficult would be worth it when I can't even get by as I am now?
Perhaps the desire comes from wanting the extraordinary and keeping myself from connecting the dots. The extraordinary requires what I think would be an extermination of fear. The extraordinary would be the experience of a lifetime. The extraordinary takes a lot of money.
I think of small scale extraordinary adventures and I can see how I can do this. I vaguely have an idea of places I could go. Maybe India, most likely Argentina, perhaps California. if i split them evenly across the year it would mean 4 months in each place. It's nice to dream.
Money is a bit of a necessity haha.

And this is where the cosmic dancer comes back to earth. I have a lot to be thankful for here. Many opportunities and comforts, still a variety of cultures if I just look. I look everywhere but my own hands instead of tending to my own grass to make it greener. It's so much easier to wish for something you don't have. But alas, it's to work, build, acheive, and dream. Setting acheivable goals. That one up there is not acheivable. But what is acheivable is a smaller adventure. And I pretty much just recently got back from a trip to California that a salesman reminded me of. I'm clearly not happy with myself. I just want to reach this point where I'm not running anywhere. Where I have a bit of a steadier more settled mentality about myself. At times yes I dream and dream big. I think of the small group of people I know and point to them wanting to try them on. But I'm not like everyone else. I never will be. I'm not sure if that will click in my head anytime soon.

I haven't realized until today where my actual unhappiness comes from. It comes from big ideas implanted in me and ideals influencing me from home. Ideas I adopt because I am told, but have neglected to challenge them for a while. I also can't seem to understand that an acheivable goal means setting standards in place to reach them. I will always fall short without the proper discipline. I am very naive and idealistic about things which keep me from experiencing for what they are. Make the most of life and each moment we are given. I am so pissed with myself for letting anxiety take over my life for 2 months. It was a waste of my life and I'll never get those moments back. Moments when I could have experienced full range of my emotions I know I am capable of won't come back. So everyday I need to consciously remind myself to live each moment to the fullest since it doesn't come naturally for me yet. It's why my zest has left me. It's why my passions have faded. It's why I see myself as less than others because I know I am less than myself.

If I knew I couldn't get a moment back, what would I do?

Discipline is the key. Maybe military service would be good for me...