This is a tribute to who I used to be. In my short life I've had many selves. The young frightened self full of life in high school. The young powerful elite self that was in college. The more or less mature self after college who became again frightened and depressed. This is a tribute to my old self, for I have now embarked on a journey I believe will end in me finding myself. It's either going to be a circus or a rollercoaster. Eitherway it's a journey to discover myself. I will change and will look to see if I will change for the better. In a direction I wanted to go. I will find direction. I will remember my dreams and face the challenges not being afraid. I may find myself back in a church. I may find myself muscular, a better cook, healthier. I will set goals and I will attain them.

Living the Bucket List

I feel like I was a bird flying high dropping tears like rain over the earth. I witnessed sad tale above sad tale of women abused, the religious forming dischord, and the diverse peoples of the world fighting over money. As a child the news was never my primary choice scene to marvel. However now I have realized I have changed. I have changed and my life has changed. My environment changes and I am forced to change with it at speeds I am not comfortable. I break in the strong winds of change and learn that if desired I can lessen the impacts of the winds of change or exacerbate the situation. It's a learning process by which failure is the vehicle.
Soaring over the world taking a sample via CNN I see the pain others in worse positions go through to acheive their living. While I am fully equipped with a living, I still manage to put myself in a hell of suffering on par with those who truly suffer. I constantly beat myself emotionally falling short to realize the true beauties of my existence and environment. These abused women finding work have nothing and do not know any better. Children sold into slavery do not know any better and suffer so much more than I have, yet they know who they are. Even they have vision, so why not me?
Vision is something I struggle with. A healthy non-idealistic sense of vision is a trait I wish to have and learn to cultivate. I've wasted away enough of my life trying to jump out of my skin and into others. It's time to wrap myself tight and see where I end up.
I may not be like the people on the news--those on the Next Line. But I am an individual with individual dreams and will power. Will power is something I am discovering. Innovators inspire me because despite the odds against them they still plow on and maintain that determination and vision creating something beautiful. They realize their potential and take the risks to make it possible. Maintain the course in the midst of uncertainty. I admire that in others and hope someday very soon to see this play in my life as well.
What I'm getting at is seizing opportunity. Living an enriched life. Feeling spiritual again and therefore knowing myself.
Be the shark. Keep moving or you'll die. And yes, you will die from the inside out and be left wondering what happened to the world, but really it's all you. Live today like your last day. Live to be inspired. Live. Laugh. and Love

Dreams...

Why is it the only thing that gets me excited is thinking about ways I can get out of the country? I wonder who I know in other parts of the world, where I can go and just exist. What value do I think that will have? Don't I know I'll be neglecting everything I have here? A place to live, computers, books, clothes, friends and family nearby, hygeine, source of income? Why do I think making my life so difficult would be worth it when I can't even get by as I am now?
Perhaps the desire comes from wanting the extraordinary and keeping myself from connecting the dots. The extraordinary requires what I think would be an extermination of fear. The extraordinary would be the experience of a lifetime. The extraordinary takes a lot of money.
I think of small scale extraordinary adventures and I can see how I can do this. I vaguely have an idea of places I could go. Maybe India, most likely Argentina, perhaps California. if i split them evenly across the year it would mean 4 months in each place. It's nice to dream.
Money is a bit of a necessity haha.

And this is where the cosmic dancer comes back to earth. I have a lot to be thankful for here. Many opportunities and comforts, still a variety of cultures if I just look. I look everywhere but my own hands instead of tending to my own grass to make it greener. It's so much easier to wish for something you don't have. But alas, it's to work, build, acheive, and dream. Setting acheivable goals. That one up there is not acheivable. But what is acheivable is a smaller adventure. And I pretty much just recently got back from a trip to California that a salesman reminded me of. I'm clearly not happy with myself. I just want to reach this point where I'm not running anywhere. Where I have a bit of a steadier more settled mentality about myself. At times yes I dream and dream big. I think of the small group of people I know and point to them wanting to try them on. But I'm not like everyone else. I never will be. I'm not sure if that will click in my head anytime soon.

I haven't realized until today where my actual unhappiness comes from. It comes from big ideas implanted in me and ideals influencing me from home. Ideas I adopt because I am told, but have neglected to challenge them for a while. I also can't seem to understand that an acheivable goal means setting standards in place to reach them. I will always fall short without the proper discipline. I am very naive and idealistic about things which keep me from experiencing for what they are. Make the most of life and each moment we are given. I am so pissed with myself for letting anxiety take over my life for 2 months. It was a waste of my life and I'll never get those moments back. Moments when I could have experienced full range of my emotions I know I am capable of won't come back. So everyday I need to consciously remind myself to live each moment to the fullest since it doesn't come naturally for me yet. It's why my zest has left me. It's why my passions have faded. It's why I see myself as less than others because I know I am less than myself.

If I knew I couldn't get a moment back, what would I do?

Discipline is the key. Maybe military service would be good for me...

Confidence

Lately I've been going through a rough time, when it finally dawned on me. Life is not absent of the tough times, and the easier cheery times are not such intrinsically. It's all about your outlook and your ability to take mountains for mountains and molehills for molehills. It's less about strength and more about calm and focus. I question myself of late, and so have delt my self confidence a heavy blow.

Confidence I've read, in it's Latin root, means "with trust" and so I can say I have lost trust in myself. The idea was posed that we lack this self confidence when there was an advantage to someone else to make us feel this way. I see clearly as to how my childhood has raised me to be this way. Taking several steps backwards to discover myself as I live on my own and stand on my own two feet I see just how shaky I've been raised to be. Crippled to remain so close to home and maimed with blurred vision to keep my dreams from me. I even wonder if I know what my dreams mean, but that's just it. Trust myself. That I'm taking positive steps and will always be on a journey of self discovery no matter where I am.

World travel. It sounds wonderful but is it a goal of my life? If it was truly a goal wouldn't I have worked that into my career plan? Is it really something I want since I covet it so much or is it just my displeasure with the way things are here. It may be another dream I need to fulfill. Which will be outweighed? This is something I need soon: to travel the world or a small portion I wish to see. I can immediately see not getting into school next year as a huge blessing. This means I can have a chance to see the world before long and again be encouraged. Pave the way for myself. Maybe that's the best idea.

More dreams, dreams of rainy days in Seattle or flowers in crisp summer weather in the midwest. I will go places and not be afraid to step outside. I will have a dynamic and adventerous life. Let no one take that away from me. These are my dreams to have for as long as I want them to be my own.

And in light of my recent love affair, why can't I connect the dots with that one. Somehow it's connected to confidence. Maybe I felt I could trust myself only if I could corner myself with him? Maybe I needed more of a go getter? I don't know, but I lost myself somehow.

More later...
musing

Pursuit of happiness

There's an anathema after me. It's come to a point I only remember once every year. I've been either hiding or running away and I'm hanging on a cliff all daggers out come to make me pay for my choices. My choices are my own, and they are what have put me in this awful position. A position where I am everyone's enemy. I can consider the situation from all sides. I can say why am I so bull headed with family and not with anyone else. Why do I take offense with my stupid teenage sister when I can't say if I was any different at her age. In truth I probably wasn't. I know many times I'd keep her out of my life not treating her with compassion. I was so stressed I wouldn't care to entertain a stupid middle school child. I remember my mother used to encourage this by comforting Sonia and telling her Ali is being mean and it's okay don't worry about her Mommy's here. And so I began the vicious cycle that has now come to bite me. My relatives do their best to haunt me while they are still alive, about their God who helps them through everything, "they turn to God" and put their trust in him. I know better. You do you're best with what you have and where you are. The world turns because of the motions set in place and the choices of the people living on earth. These choices affect our own and thus we call it fate...God...Allah...karma. Humans out of their own insecurities feel an innate need to judge others' decisions. And so we hinder each others' free will and understanding. We do not 'get what we deserve'. It's just human nature to want to get even. There is cause and effect and choices. Whether they are right or wrong is up for opinion. The truth is what keeps our world going is cause and effect.
The cause was my own hatred and stupidity when I was a teenager. And now I am seeing the effects of that. If you sow a seed into the ground, you will reap the benefits. Or in this case, detriment. I don't believe a God smiting humans and all creation. I don't see us paying for consequences. It is simply a cause and an effect.
I can spend a week under a tree meditating on what went wrong with the cause or I can choose to move forward and live.
I obviously cannot learn to get along with my family. I have developed my own way of thinking but cannot quite come to terms with living in a judgemental environment with people whom I've been told are to provide you with love and warmth. I always made the mistake of telling my parents my plans. I've made the mistake of trusting them with my relationships. I've made the mistake of misunderstanding their convoluted versions of generosity. I've learned a lot.
I've learned to take gifts even when you don't want them. I've learned that anything you say will never be taken the way you mean. I learned to step back from attempting to raise my own bratty sister.
What I didn't learn was to keep family problems to themselves. I've never once been truly happy since living at home. All my happiest times no matter how disgusting were outside the home. In some eyes I've sinned and disrespected. But merely cause and effect has played out. A cause I knew better than to set into motion and have now become more miserable because of it. I would call that a bad choice.
And so, I am sorry to myself for that. I am sorry I have a will and mind of my own. I am sorry I still cannot tolerate only critical and negative comments from my parents especially my mother. I'm sorry I have learned to be almost as cold and heartless as my younger blood relative. I am sorry I try to be everything you want me to be. I am sorry we don't get along. I am sorry I stayed out of mercenary means. I am sorry I was so foolish to think we could actually live in peace.

So now I hope we can accept what we've needed to all along. I'm sorry Daddy that you're hope of a real family is probably never going to happen, but I love you dearly for being so strong to put up with what I cannot. I am sorry you cannot know who I really am, but I must protect myself and pursue the right this wonderful country has given me, the pursuit of happiness whether I may find it or not.

I love you

First lab meeting

Today Nahir and Oleg gave presentations on their biochemical projects involving AdoMetDC, which is a pro-enzyme for which T. brucei needs in order to synthesize necessary amino acids. The sequence of this pro-protein at the N terminushas been concerved across several species excluding mammalian species including humans. This makes it a viable protein for drug targeting. Nahir's project involves creating a better way to produce more of this target protein in order to purify the protein in it's entirity for crystallography purposes. It seems her first problem was mainly getting the N-His tag to come off the protein without disrupting it's enzymatic activity--you need to be able to prove that and therefore you should be able to first cleve the N-His tag. She had problems doing that. So she cloned the gene into a vector in a new way that included a novel product known as th e SUMO fusion sequence. This sequence assists the protein in it's cloning and facilitates folding, therefore increasing the amount of viable protein. She first designed her primers and also designed primers to cleave portions of the N terminus off the gene, later testing for enzymatic activity. How to test for enyzmatic activity and not just folding? Immuno-assay. or is it co-immuno precipitation assay?

So to ensure the gene was in the new vector she ran a gel. Showing the reaction inserted. She may also may have had to do some mini preps. She then digested the vector to show that she could isolate the gene and put it back inside. Isolating the gene meant she needed to sequence it.

confirming the correct gene she then began the process of large scale bacterial cultures. She'd lyse the cells and then purify the protein with the Ni2+. Through a 2 step process of running the solutions through the column on a gradient, she was able to isolate the protein without the His-tag. She would run gels using affinity chromatography which elutes the proteins based on size. In some mutants with a more upstream N-terminus deletion she lost the pro-enzyme associated with AdoMet. Ideally you want a clean protein for crystallization purposes.

Oleg was having trouble eluting enough of his protein. Seemed that in purification processes he would lose more than half of his protein. It seemed that there was too much protein and the column was too old to handle becoming overloaded. It was recommended to run more batches but diluted and with a better column.

ER experience

Mistake. Big mistake being so friendly and easy to get along with. I forget that the purpose of networking is not to have friends but useful links.
It's not that I'm not naturally pro-active. Who is? It's a method of survival, and being likeable is just a natural gift to be remembered. I have personality for a reason, not to be an attention whore. Or any sort of monger.
But I learn from my mistakes and misuses of time. I need to remember to hang around the doctors when at all possible and to remain hard at work or look for things to learn about.
I'm sure I seem very aimless. Last night definitely proved that to me with what little was available to do at the ER. A despicable aura must weigh on my presence. I'd hate to have that sort of a reputation. This is something I have control over, and this is something to work on. This lack of focus is not something that will just disappear. Focus does not come to those who wait, she comes to those who seek her.
All in all yesterday at the ER was fail and I'm going to have to go back sometime soon this week, hopefully Friday morning, or so to regain my dignity.

Last night I had a hard time going to bed. Captain Morgan was the only one who succeeded in lulling me to sleep. I lost myself chastizing myself for my mistake last night, my lack of focus, general depression feeling lost in a world that is moving past me--like endless waves that keep passing me before I can ride them. How many more must I watch with my hands and legs bound frozen under me?
My romantic idealism is nothing to be proud of. This is a symptom I must rid myself of quickly if I am to survive sanity. I constantly doubt myself in every aspect. I don't feel I am a hard worker (I think i said this before). But I know that I am! What else am I to expect out of life if I don't work hard to make my living for my future? I am obviously not getting along well with all my free time to myself. There is no inspiration. I am not at all as creative as I thought I was. Remove the stressor and the joy found in the outlets of freedom disappears. I doubt whether becoming a doctor is the life I want for a family I may come to want. The troubles of a modern woman. However, I do know I'd go mad as a stay at home mother. This is not something for me.
Life is more than who we are. That ceases to amaze me. It comforts me knowing anything and everything around me can be beautiful and worth my time. Joyfulness uncovered beyond the bends leading to peace.
I doubt myself because I do not feel proficient in anything but solving the puzzles that are chemistry and biochemistry. I have a love of learning anything and everything. Is that not enough to last through Medical/Osteopathic school? I think so. My joy is in learning and becoming proficient is something amazing amongst talented and genius souls. I can't see what's beyond the winter time I am in right now, but it's only inevitable that the spring is on its way. In the form of purpose, not love with or for another.

recaps of the last several times I've been to the ER

I was never really good at listening to my own heart. This doesn't compute considering no matter where I am I cease to be happy. My mind is not busied enough to feel useful; it is caving in under it's own massive uselessness. In attempting to find myself in a latent limbo I have realized how much of myself I have lost. With each passing day I feel parts of me atrophying and dying. My flow has left me and so I become frozen. I have no friends or peers to bounce ideas, have fun, relax. I have no reason left to relax as I have no reason to work. The things I used to do to relax and fill my time cease to please me anymore as they have lost their meaning.
Whether I am meant to pursue a career in health-care I still don't know. What I do know is that having too much time to think is affecting my ability to process information at the top of my game. I struggle with identifying what it is I want and what it is I need. I used to think what I needed and wanted was to move out of this house immediately. But now perhaps the best thing is that I need to occupy my time immediately.
I remember way back I took a personality test dubbing me a Woo, Includer, and Communicator amongst many other things. This made me believe I would make a good teacher, an occupation I now despise. Perhaps I could be a teacher someday, but I believe I am destined for more. I enjoy the days when my mind could move at such a fast pace normal syntax could not contain my thoughts. Perhaps I was always meant for school; being a know-it and good at what I do is my goal.
I'd hate to say I'm not mature enough for this. What is breaking me down is being immature, not having a real goal in life, no work, nothing to busy my mind. If I can identify key reasons why I want to be a health-care provider I can settle on deciding to work as a scribe. Being a scribe can prove a lot to schools. It can teach me a lot about being a health-care provider. It is irrelevant if I want to do it. I prove myself able to and I go for it. To me a health-care provider has no one personality fits all. They are of any personality and only all present themselves professionally. They come from all walks of life. There's no doubt in my mind I can do it. I can't even imagine what lies before me if I do decide to take the plunge. I will be learning all about what we know of ourselves. A very philosophical sort of pursuit. I love identifying problems and solving them methodically. This is far simpler than designing something from thin air as research is to me. In school I have opportunities to dabble in a little bit of everything and find my niche. I love a job where I attend to the needs of people. Service for the most basic of needs: fellowship, entertainment, and health. These three things I believe no one should be without.
What makes me think I can make it in medical school? I have a passion for learning though I may not have a quick wit as I used to. I am an expert and learning and retaining that which I can use and will use. I want to know so much, but more importantly than that is the ability to become good at what you do. As I said earlier I like to know it all and know it well, be around people, serve, occupy my mind, achieve high goals of learning.

I've learned many things about myself this semester and summer. I've learned it's not that I'm not a hard worker, it's that I cannot discipline myself aside from work. I'd not make it as a musician for I don't have that kind of discipline. I must build off of what I know and not off of what I don't know. Though I may have interests in Yoga, Religions, Philosophy, Dance, Music, Voice, and Languages, building off these things will not give me a sense of accomplishment. My interests still lie in the purest of desires: how to maintain health in the best ways possible. My little interests lose their fire when I have actual time to get to them all. It's just not fun anymore. My balance I've known for myself for so long has been distorted. I've always wanted to be learning.

Commitment is not the absence of doubt but continuing despite doubt. I doubt myself that I can do it. I doubt that I will retain my sanity. I doubt that I have enough interest or initiative besides a silly little will to learn. I've lost myself along the way of what I thought was all I ever wanted. The ability to satisfy my every whim (if I had enough money). Of course it is the balance that keeps my energy going--it is why my Ch'i is lost.

Intimidation. I feel intimidated because everyone I know has already done so much toward becoming a doctor that I feel unworthy of the task. Suppose what I need to realize is that those are the few, not the many. I just happen to know the lot of people that do very much toward becoming a doctor. That doesn't mean that I can't shape my own destiny that is very different from theirs. We come from all walks of life with an equal opportunity to become someone great. To learn a way of life. And this is how I find myself. Not by fearing or believing what everyone tells me. By carrying on despite the doubts from others' and myself. Breathing, fluidity, this could be my path in life. I can't help but smile and choke up. I need to grow up and be professional about many things. My fear of being unprofessional now shan't keep me from knowing I will learn eventually.

Which brings me to recounting what I've learned or seen at volunteering. I've made more friends among the nurses and they have let me watch how they do things. I met a woman who has sickle cell anemia and therefore a port with which to sustain her life. We drew blood from her that way in a most sterile procedure. Before I also met a woman who worked hard her whole life only to watch her husband beat her month old child. Volunteering really takes one back to a grassroots level. They are all people worthy of your aid however you can give it. Working part of the night shift I saw Dr. McCarthy and followed him around for some rounds. He started medical school when he was 28 and had his first child at 30. He cited he felt immature and not ready for medical school out of college so he worked. Though the time is stressful he said it's unlike college because you are studying what you are interested in and focused. The very little stress relief time he had he'd do little but walk the dog. Next I'll have to ask him why he wanted to become a doctor. I realize that although I may not want a stressful environment as the ER to work in permanently, I can work elsewhere as a Doctor. Normal hours are nice and so might seeing the same patients on a regular basis.

Yes all this vacillation and what is that I fear? My interests and thirsts for learning, critical thinking, and friendliness are uncontrollable and lose their strength when spread out amongst so many things. An opportunity I can make for myself is pursuing the greatest occupation I can think of. I just need to learn to ask more questions. It shows interest, not annoyance. Be able to think with them and analyze how they come to a conclusion. It's not just ordering random tests and gawking at them. I can do this too, what is the methodology. Not quite as intimidating once I realize this. Why not is a good question.

Why not is what will drive me. There needs to be a direction and for that there needs to be tenacity to survive, to experience, to leave footprints.

ER days cinco y seis

I'll be honest I'm not feeling particularly thoughtful what with the computer problems I've had all day long.

Yesterday was anticlimactic. Quite boring on the surface. Really just went through the motions and asked more of the nurses. Hung out with them to bond and establish rapport. Chatted with the PCTs. I paid attention that I could to the little children. And I began to smell the rankor that is the welfare citizens of America.

Today I became conscious of the friends I have made in the PCTs. The friendly Med Scribes were around and they made my day so much brighter! The nurses thanked me and Elena for my work. I had lunch/dinner with Percy. It was so refreshing to get to know someone new. It's been so long since I've made friends in higher places. I realize even now that though I am but a small person who really knows a lot of nothing, we all know alot of different things. It is only in taking life a stride at a time and surfing wikipedia and gobbling up information that I will be able to learn more about everthing.

Anyway, I was quite busy today and when I wasn't I hung out with PCTs and the new nurse at fast track. There were a fair amount of pelvic exams to take care of. No one was happy about those for we all vented about it. Which lead me to wonder, but not in full detail, of the use and abuse of the ER system. So many utilize the ER as their primary care. I can't help but wonder if the socialized healthcare would aleviate this abuse. I heard a doctor berrate a patient for complaining of waiting for so long for care. He said something along the lines of if you had gone to the primary doctor you wouldnt need to be here waiting when we have REAL cases here. I was held back 15 minutes because I was listening to a patient complain about her lazy nurse and slow care at Trauma. So I paid her attention and a pillow. She verbalized what I was pondering all day: the extremes in the ER. Does the wide spectrum of cases negatively effect patient care? Can health-care be fascilitated with the elimination of such areas as fast track. She proposed primary care work longer hours. Personally, I think she ought to be patient. It's the best we've got right now and there are plenty of other peope dying in the same room. The nerve of people thinking we wait on them only. I watched the PCT draw blood from her. All in all I spent a bit of a good time in Trauma. Even Twanda saw me. I moved my first stretcher today; that was quite a difficult experience.

So that was my deepest thought of the day. Can I really deal with cheap people in a setting where they think waiting for an hour is a travesty? In a world where money is constantly lost and the filth of the world come in for free food expecting to be treated with all benefits. It's a true test of what it means to work for the good of others, being a true servant upholding the purest and most difficult of virtues.

ER volunteering day quattro

It's been a few days since my shift. I worked what is affectionately known as the graveyard shift. It left me quite exhausted the next day with a neck quite depleted of fluids. In any case my time was well invested as I was able to shadow a Doctor and hang out with scribes as I watched medical care in action.
The advent of a new case is always an exciting one. Broken bodies come in on stretchers as the Doctor rushes over to communicate the causes and state of the patient. In one case we received a witnessed cardiac arrest patient. It was chaotic trying to get him to a pulse. There were actually two cardiac arrest patients. While I'd love to relate every single little thing that happened on my six hour shift, I am tired at the moment.
I need to relate the doctor's kindness in allowing me to follow him around. I was able to see how he approached a case from start to finish. I was able to bond with the scribes and see the relationship between the scribe and the Doctor. The bedside manner was impressive to see as well, as everyone in the room knew the truth but pretended not to know it. He played the role of counsel and informer in a careful and relaxed manner. It was most impressive to see someone take control of such delicate situations with the calm and cool of one sipping tea. He approached the family tending to the cardiac arrest patient no different from the Heroin addict in fast track. He diagnoses them on a biased level, but all judgment is put aside as attention is paid in full. This profession is admirable for these small insights I've made.
I must also relate that the Doctor provided further inspiration to us all as he suffers from ADHD. I can think of no better environment for such a person than the ER.
In future shifts I hope to open my eyes to the roles of other professionals such as the nurses as well as form better relationships with the Doctors running around. I need to be asking more questions as well as anticipating roles I can perform.

ER part trois

This ER shift I made for myself lasted from 5:30 until 9:30 or so...actually until 9:45 when I completed the task I set for myself. I love being a volunteer because I can finish my task whenever I want and cater to patients or whatever else needs to be done. In short my multitasking is enhanced and utilized as well as my hearing and memory. True I don't get paid for anything but a $6 meal, but I am at liberty to talk to whomever I want when I want as long as I want. Though most patients have family with them.
Today I was able to see how Doctors interact with patients close up. Almost as if I were shadowing them. I still feel awkward around them, but I flow. The doctor has such compassion and really stays engaged listening to the patients; letting no sign of boredom, dividedness, or annoyance show. I waited with an older woman, whom I discovered is the same age as my dad. She was watching Glee and it interested me to see why she would be watching a younger show. The woman was doted for being patient waiting 5 hours for a room. In reality many patients there in medicine wait an entire day before getting a room. I thought I'd talk to her because she looked like she was expecting something. She asked me about myself and what I wanted to do. I asked her why she was watching Glee. We watched parts of it together. I told her of how I came to fall in love with Ella Fitzgerald. She now knows my goals to sing some of her songs at Scat. She described to me what sort of work she used to do in marketing before she semi-retired to a paraprofessional position at Arlington. I told her I was hiding from the other nurses and PCTs for I would rather wait for her until she got a room. She finally did get a room soon after Glee was over. But before she left Cassy came in to give her her painkillers. Cassy spoke with such compassion making the patient feel as if she had argued on her behalf for a room. Cassy spoke very assuredly in a manner I can only hope for at this point. I am learning though how to speak professionally as possible.
I was proud of myself today for I tended to a patient who apparently had a bit of a diarrhea problem. He could hardly speak, was older, and had only one good eye. I was stupid and thought he wanted to watch the baseball game. Really all he was wanting was another bedpan or something. Some sort of relief. I refused to keep myself out of the room for fear of the smell because I knew anyone no matter what condition deserved attention. Above all we are all to be treated humanely in this wonderful nationally acclaimed ER. So I braved all despite my cautiousness though I failed to provide him any more comfort than I felt. The experience made me wonder whether PCTs do what they do out of forced placement or if they initially had this dream to be helping people meet their immediate needs. I think of how beautiful it is to say I want to serve in a Third World country, yet why feel a need to go so far away from home? Afterall we are just people. I could go a year working in the ER not seeing the same person twice. They are all the same...bodies in need of fixing and upkeeping. Sure it's gross, but it's the basic need. Anyone anywhere on earth is just as needy as someone somewhere else.
I get in this zone once I've been in the ER for a while. I don't focus on what time it is. Merely on choices. I make choices to push myself into that smelly room. To talk with that odd patient. To learn about how to relate to patients best. To manipulate my speech into soothing and doting tones. Like I said before, my multitasking has a place. And my pace is what I want it to be.
Well after all that I took a break in the nurse's breakroom for William had come out with a cup of coffee I had only smelled in his breath and finally seen. He told me he spruced up the drip with cinnamon. I just had to follow him to taste for myself. But it was too hot, so I went to clean beds and restock the rooms--a task which took an extra 20 minutes. My coffee was finally cooled. I drank while watching Tosh.O and listening to the nurses comment about habits they hate their significant others doing. One woman had 2 children and wanted another. The other vowed she never wanted more than one kid and is stopping there. The younger one at 24 announced she could never marry anytime soon because she likes her life by herself. Three completely different women at completely different levels doing the same work. All kinds come together in this mini-city. In the end we are just regular people living our regular annoying lives, but by trade we are super-heroes of a different sort.
Note to self. Megan works as a Trauma nurse. She'll be graduating soon.
Another anecdote. Someone got arrested today for walking away while inebriated.

Day Deux at ER

Well to start of simply today Clarissa and I restocked basic items found in all areas of the ER. Bandages, cotton balls, tongue depressors, etc. Along the way we fluffed pillows and waited on patients. I talked with an adorable little boy named Speedy. I gave him crackers and juice.
That day I saw just how much more fun doing work with another person could be. Though I seemed to be a bit of a slacker as I'd spend my time talking to patients. I met one patient because I commented on his boots. He informed me of his and his mothers' health. That's when I found them both in the Trauma section of the ER. Along with a horrific smell that assaulted my nostrils to pain of death. And that's when I realized just how selfless or perhaps desperate or even calloused these nurse's aids are. It's all in a day's work to clean up the defecating patient. The smell was unbearable--like a sign of imminent death. It made my heart sore to see the family near by either embarrassed of their relative's condition or more likely frightened for his life. I wished there was a way to help him. And I wished there was more I could do than to just walk by almost carelessly. But what was I a mere 22 y/o without any life experience with which to offer counsel to do?
I found out more from Clarissa that day about where her heart lies. She spoke of counseling foster children. Dangerous line of work I think, and quite emotional in some cases. It'd be an intriguing experience, but alas.

ER day one

Wow is the word of the day. I went through so many emotions in a simple 5 hour shift. For the first half hour I spent my time wandering hallways and remembering where everything was. The grand expanse of what would soon be my medical mansion was a maze to me. I felt out of place and unaware of what I should be doing. I didn't know any of the bustling bodies around me. I only knew who they were by profession. I talked with a few patients and remembered to clean the rooms promptly, even though I wasn't being paid for the position. I soon got into a sort of trance.
I met many people, probably some 20 names were run past me. still I only remember the 20 faces. Cassy Cathrine Tamara Billy McCarthy Crissty Ashely Amanda Justin Long...
My frist friend was Long. He showed me the website for aspiring scribes and where trauma was.
I ended up in medicine. An area of the ER I thought would be scary, but I was bored fast at the Fast Track. I felt more people needed my help and there was more real hospital work being done in this area. There was certainly a more diverse type of people seeking treatment. There were several homeless, a few low income, special ed, and old and frail. These people definitely deserved the compassion one could offer. I could only watch and wonder how much longer til they were passed off to another section. Their pains were real, and yet their needs so simple. To know someone was checking in with them, someone who clearly wasn't making any money.
I felt way too rushed to process any one experience fully. It seemed we were dealing with mere events, and not helping keep patients alive. A patient never seemed human to me, but like another specimine, another problem to solve, another puzzle piece to be passed on, another druggie after free drugs, another round of "let's-escape-the-law-suit" or another loss of money.
Healthcare amazes me in that it is the most precise methods of transfering a problematic case through many hands to the final place be it discharge or admittance into ICU. Many nurses keep the place running. Nurses run to and fro as if on a ship. PCTs mosey around for remedial tasks. I as the volunteer run around constantly to show good work ethic. Doctors and their scribes would float around on and off. I still didn't understand what took them so long to treat patients.
There was a lot of joking around. PCTs were the most good natured. Some nurses had surly attitudes. Others dutiful and to themselves. The charge nurses were always the most gregarious and understanding of my difficult position as a volunteer. Let's go back to that...
As a volunteer I ran my own ship. I had my own set of responsibilities if I should wish to take them on. I had to remember how to work so that I wouldn't tire myself out too soon. Reminding myself to look everyone in the eye and offer them all the same care. I reminded myself of the little child I once was. I decided not to be that child. I could not just shy away because I found something so disgusting. Someone throwing up. Someone engorged with blood. Low class who were probably diseased and dirty. Frail old men. Special ed persons. All sorts, require the same amount of care all of them.
The scribes spoke to me about paperwork and liabilities. Finding out the ways to get out of mal-practice suits, keeping up with diagnoses. It's all a fast paced world with dangers at every corner if one is not careful to notice. It really is less about treating patients, but as I said "practical office work." Unlike business it's very selfless. We risk losing money and do lose money in order to keep everyone healthy. It's amazing how much background and legal work is done to treat just one patient. I wish more people realized this.
I was proposed with another option. How to become a scribe. It can definitely give me a big foot in the door. But at the sacrifice of my own independence. I may have finally found something I can do to be immersed.
This is the rosey new side of healthcare. I have found it is beautiful because so many people come together over one cause. And these people are educated and quick witted.

The Yin-yang

As I sat there a while consuming my late dinner I picked up at Chicken Express I noticed something profound about my situation...

I was alone

It then occurred to me why I never rest. A friend once told me, don't you ever just sit and do nothing? Well no of course not why would I want to do that? There is much to much to do, or see, or learn, or organize to rest. But honestly...what is the REAL reason?

Only when I am utterly alone in a big clean house do I notice just how insecure I feel when I am alone. I would much rather spend my time bothering others on the social networking sites than realize that I really AM alone. I have realized what social networking sites have done for me. Allowed me to feed my insecurity. I accuse everyone else of theirs, only to see the one of mine which is out in the open for all to see.

Seeing my main weakness in this light I recognize it's influence and power over so many parts of my young life. It's kept me in complacent situations, long relationships, and hidden behind a computer. It keeps the focus off of myself and my soul.

Plus, I realized something else. I truly feel things that I tend to ignore in conversing with others. Where is my healthy amount of mediation time and self-reflectance? In this small moment when I realized I was alone I felt a deep longing. A longing I see has never been satisfied due to this fear possessing me. A longing to be Romanced.

To be romanced is not merely to be loved...it is to be pursued. It is a secret guilty pleasure my fears of solitude have kept me from experiencing. All too often would I rather scour the internet for available playmates than to wait for them--and with that a special one--to become so desperate for my attention they will do anything they can to contact me? I long for this attention. Is it that chivalry or courting is dead or that women such as myself are too impatient for that special attention? I can only blame myself, as I can only control MYself.

So then I relate this situation to my beloved Yin-yang. My balance and explanation of peace. My cosmic dancing is brought down to the earth. I realize, the balance of solitude and deep companionship has been distorted. The peace can only be restored with a little suffering on my part so as to allow karma and positive energies to return to me. If one is truly loved it will come back after you let it go. So the same with my will. In order to experience more of life, I am to let it go to swing farther on the opposite end of the pendulum.

My yin-yang will be restored. My longings only grow as my patience grows with suffering. Soon, hopefully sooner than I think, my deepest desires will be fulfilled or dissipated. My longings to speak with those I hold dear to me will no longer command my impulses but my care.

I am the cosmic dancer falling from the clouds back to earth. This is the life I live and walk. Nameste

Four versus five

There is a five letter word to where we all go and a four letter word from which we all came.
I hear more of the FIVE letters than the other these days. The world is in great turmoil.

It is love from where we all came, and to death do we ultimately belong. Death brings about the other. It is the circle path that directs karma.

Let us love one another now. Death need not be the news of tomorrow or today.

Remember this Valentine's Day to start to love...to encourage each other to find destinies and peace in company. Do all this before we meet death. Consider, encourage, sympathize, experience....

There will be shootings, there will be horrific sport accidents, there will be earthquakes. There will be hurricanes, there will be storms and eruptions and tsunamis.

It's out of our control. But what we can control is how much we love.

Con Carino

The reason in the madness

It's been a while since I've...what do they call it now adays? Xanga? Live Journal? Blogging? The next dumbest/user friendly socialist/free trendy/gay (for heterosexuality is trendy now) internet fad around.

Why is it so popular now again for a second time in my life?? American's are too damn busy. Too busy and too seculded from another. We are too willing to stay comfortable in our age old wilting ring of rosies then we are to find a new pocket full of posies. It's the best way to strive to keep what we once had. It's a method of putting bootstraps on our stepping stones and walking around the pool of life having stepped nowhere new. Rather than give up fish now we are giving up blogging on Fridays. And the list goes on...
So these are my initial thoughts, not to insult an avid blogger hoping for encouraging kudos, i mean posts, i mean comments. You are stuck with my stand up comedy...and yes I am standing. Even though you can't see me. Even if you did you'd still think i was sitting.

So what's the reason behind this madness here? There is none, just pure fun. Mostly, comic relief to help me transfer the karmas throughout the day.

Oh you meant what's the reason behind the mad blog name? Well.
The Cosmic Dancer is one of my favorite Yoga moves. It's something like a flying camel spin and if done with the utmost effort, it feels like you really are dancing into space.
Earthbound is my favorite store in the mall. It is full of colorful items that are sure to fool me I'm on an acid trip. Not that I've been on one. It's kinda like Vegas. When a brain goes on a trip it stays on a trip. I kinda need it for work and biochem and oh yeah that MCAT.
Together the words mean something profound and catchy. An Earthbound Cosmic Dancer, is a person who has his head in the stars with such joy only to be brought down to the dust from which it came.

Whether the fall is a welcome destiny or harsh reality is up to this blog, where one's view of earth may vary from the naturally ill-tempered people destroying it or the prestine beauty of nature creating it.

Enjoy the rest to come. And yes, I shall keep up with those I am following!
~Shanti